The Future

The other day after I finished taking a piss I glanced into the toilet and noticed that it was filled with blood.  Naturally being concerned about my urine being a dark red color from the amount of blood I went to the clinic.  The doctor there told me that I passed a very small kidney stone, which was surprising because it didn't hurt at all.  He went on to tell me that the cause for the kidney stone was probably genetics, which makes sense because my dad gets kidney stones from time to time. 

So it made me think that I can look forward to moments of intense pain through out the rest of my life probably.  Which made me reflect on a fear (more like a concern) I have of living in extreme agony.  I'm not afraid of death because at least in death pain ends, but living in pain is something I would prefer to avoid.  I wondered if a life in agony (not necessarily my situation, but a more extreme situation) was really worth living.  Especially if  it had to do with a genetic disorder.  Because if you look at life from an evolutionary standpoint, the reason we exist is to mate and pass on our genetics to our children and other future generations and if I had serious, genetic health problems I feel as though I wouldn't want to pass on that suffering to my children.  Like on top of the kidney stones the other great genes I have to pass on to my potential children include: high cholesterol/ blood pressure, acid reflux, depression (if that truly is genetic, I'm not entirely convinced of that, but regardless), baldness, asthma.  These don't seem like much, but together these have given me a lot of grief and distress.  I feel like I don't want to have kids because I don't want to subject them to all the things I suffer from.  I essentially want to eugenics myself, if that makes any sense.

That's a pretty sad thought.  Then I just felt like that had no reason for living if I was to take my genetics off the market and based on the other issues I've mentioned in my previous posts with my issues with closeness with other people.  But I've never wanted to have kids so this shouldn't be as troubling a thought as it has become.  Maybe I want to have kids.  It would give meaning to my life, taking care of another living thing.  But giving that child my health problems just so I can give myslef meaning is more than a little selfish.  Because not only will they have avoidable suffering but their existance is completely based on my own insecurities with myself which means that those insecurities will spill over to them which will cause them further suffering which will continue the cycle.  Maybe I should just adopt, try to give a child who doesn't have love in their life some stability and a person who cares about them, to make the best of a bad situation to benefit both of us.  Or I could just get a cat.