So, to try and explain how I've come to my most recent internal conflict I should explain that I have never been the kind of guy who could get any girl he wanted. That's not to say I have trouble with women (eg talking to them or dating or otherwise). I'm just not what you'd call a ladies man. Because I'm awkward (I'm pretty OK with that and this is a little irrelevant to the story). Anyway, I've recently become, for lack of a better term, "Hot Shit." By that I mean that there are a number of girls who have been showing quite a bit of interest in me lately. This really isn't the problem, it's actually doing wonders for my self esteem, but actually the reason behind why I've been trying to entertain all these ladies simultaneously. The reason behind this coincidentally happens to be the same reason, I think, why I move around so much. I believe it is because since I was young I've faced a lot of feelings of abandonment and heartbreak after a break up or in the case of friends, they decide they don't want to be around me any more.
I have until recently been somewhat of a serial monogamist, where shortly after one relationship ended, I would find another girl to fill the loneliness void. And this put me in a cycle of depression and happiness (break up followed by the excitement of a new relationship and so on). This time last year was the middle of my last pseudo- relationship, which lasted for about three months. The three months we spent together were amazing, I often thought she was the girl version of me. But the prevailing problem that ultimately caused the relationship to fail was that she, like I currently, does not want to be in a relationship (thus the use of "pseudo-realtionship"). When we finally got to the point to where we realized that we wanted different things and the other wasn't going to change we called it quits. I then spent the next 4 months being depressed and nihilistic and generally no fun to hang out with. When I came to recognize the pattern I was in, I decided to take some time off from relationships so I could try and find a way to make myself happy. Which I found in the lifestyle of being nomadic which I had already begun not much earlier.
The thing that originally troubled me when I started to live nomadically I couldn't figure out if was running to something or from it. I know now that I'm running from it.
The problem with this is that it is extremely hard to keep in contact with all my old friends whom I also find happiness. But I recently came to the conclusion that they may be the thing that I'm running away from. After I graduated high school all of my friends stopped trying to hangout with me mostly because of the fact that I don't drink and they were all starting to get more into it. I spent the rest of that summer and the next year extremely depressed because I had felt abandoned by the people who I considered friends. This past summer when I was driving back to New Jersey from spending a year out on the west coast I stopped in Wisconsin to visit one of my best friends from college. When I saw him I was extremely excited because I hadn't seen him since I had dropped him off back at his parents' home in LA on our roadtrip after we graduated college, a year earlier. He on the other hand was very calm and stand off-ish, which is pretty normal for him, but I'd still would've liked a little more of a reaction (I mean he and I did live together for four years). I felt pretty let down and neglected (that's as close as I can get to explaining how I felt). Part of the reason I was so excited to see him was I had just spent the year in a National Service program and I had been through some really trying times (amongst them being the before mentioned pseudo-relationship) and it was just nice to see a familiar face. So then I moved on. I returned to my home state where I saw some more old college friends and my family. And they would ask me about about my year on the west coast. As I would try my best to explain all great and terrible things that had happened I could see on their faces that they had either stopped listening or would have prefered to heard an "It was great." Those who did actually want to hear about it couldn't relate to what I was going through but it would be naive to expect them to understand. This left me feeling extremely isolated (which from talking to my friends I had made over the previous year seemed to be the general concensous). So, I did what I always do, I moved again. This time to Washington D.C. But before I even moved there I was of the opinion, and still am, that I will not be spending more then a year in DC before I move again, considering my job that I have there only lasts that long.
I thus put a time limit on any relationships a might develope during that time (friends or otherwise). And this is where I recently came to the conclusion that I am running away from my friends. I believe that because I am affraid of being hurt by the friends I am going to make/made that I will leave them first, end the friendship on my own terms. So that I do not get hurt by them leaving me or by letting me down. This way I'm keeping them at a distance. I'm doing this same thing with the girls I'm "dating," where I keep them all at a distance and hang out with them all around the same time to force myself from getting to close with any one of them. I'm afaird of getting hurt, so I maintain a somewhat shallow relationship with everyone to prevent getting hurt by them.
This is where my internal crisis lies. I really enjoy spending time with my friends and having meaningful relationships but I also enjoy moving to new places and getting to know those places well and meeting new people and making new friends.
Do I continue my nomadic life or do I settle down and try to maintain long term relationships with people?
Each of these has it's draw backs:
I could either live a life where I can't form lasting relationships
or
one where I won't feel like I'm living my life to it's full potential by getting a lot of experiences and getting to see so many different places
Can I do both?
Which one will make me happier?
Which one do I feel will give my life better meaning?
How am I to decide?
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