Questioning

I feel like I've been questioning lately, like the past day or two, if  I really love my girlfriend.  I am trying to figure out if I'm just scared of the commitment I'm making to her or if I'm scared of having these feelings for another person and telling them because the last time I did that things became devastating in the end and I'm afraid of being hurt again.  These feelings I know if I dwell on them will become a self fulfilling prophecy and I'll hate myself for ruining things.  I'm scared.  I'm scared of the pain that often comes with love and I know I'm not alone.  Maybe I'm also scared because there are things I see similar between the two and in my head I worry about confusing the two.  I want to talk to a therapist about my potential unresolved feelings but I don't have the time so I'm stuck writing it to the world wide web. This is why I have a blog.

Maybe I've just been listening to too much Andrew Jackson Jihad and Neutral Milk Hotel which always makes me sad and I think I really disappointed my girlfriend tonight and I'm hating myself a little.

Maybe I'm too self involved and I'm just a fucking asshole.
Well that sounds really reasonable.
I do love Sarah, because she makes me really happy and I like making her happy and I wish that she was laying in bed next to me and I wasn't up in the middle of the night fucking bitching on my fucking blog which nobody reads.

Being A Jerk

One of the things which annoys me the most on T.V., facebook, around the internet, and even something my college professors used to do is say how stupid it is to believe in God.  Now am by no means a believer, nor am I even an agnostic.  I am somewhere between an existentialist and a nihilist (usually landing somewhere around absurdism) and I still think that believing in some form of a higher power is a completely valid hypothesis.  I also encourage for scientists to theorize, test, and study their results to try and discover an alternative.

What inspired me to write about this was a meme on a friends Facebook wall which said "Science disproves something in the Bible, suddenly it was always 'meant as a metaphor.'"  This to me, is just insults thrown from the atheist crowd which does not show a non-existence of a god.  All it shows is that religion and religious texts are created by people and that people are stupid BUT this does not mean believing in a god is stupid.  It just means many atheists can be huge jerks when it comes to the topic of religion.  Although science in a sense can also be viewed as a religion.  I am speaking specifically about theoretical and quantum physics and astronomy because these are the fields which attempt to answer the same question religion does "How did we get here?" and "why?"  But most of their theories are unproven and probably will not be proven for a long time so all they are going on right now is belief which makes it a quasi-religion in a sense.  So, until there is evidence proving or disproving their theories I will (as with religion) choose not to believe in it.

On another note, if you reject time as a unit of measurement and as merely the social construct that it is, it also   takes a lot away from their theories.

In conclusion, nothing exists.

Not really. I just like saying that.

Why is it that the more I learn about theoretical physics the more I believe in the possible existence of a god, yet the more I learn about religion makes me believe the opposite?

It's In Your Head

By "Your Head" of course I mean "my head."  I really didn't want this blog to be all about my problems with girls/relationships but I can't help it, it's the thing that bothers me the most.

Me and my first world, middle class, white people problems.

Fuck me.  I'm a self involved piece of shit.  Someone please tell me to go to Hell.

I'll talk about it anyway because this blog is supposed to help me work through my stupid fucking "problems."  So I've been seeing this girl for close to a month now and it is starting to feel like a combination of two relationships I've had in the past and it's starting to freak me out and I know it shouldn't.  Especially because to remind me of both of them would be completely contradictory.  So for anyone other than myself to understand what I'm rambling about you'll need to know the back story...

So for purposes of this story I will refer to the present girl I'm seeing as CASSI, my high school/college girlfriend as ABBY, and the girl I dated over a year ago as BETH (A,B, and C chronologically).  So Cassi reminds me of Abby in how affectionate she is towards me and how fast things appear to be moving.  This week I'm staying with my parents in New Jersey for the holidays( I currently live in DC) and Cassi told me she was going to be going to a rave in Philly for New Year's Eve with her roommate. Initially I was excited because I like Philly a lot and I've been wanting to go to a rave so I said I'd go.  Then she mentions how she will need to have a place to stay while she's here and that she'd like to ride back to DC with me after coming up with her roommate.  This means she would be staying at... my parents' house where she'd meet my parents.  I don't usually tell my parents about girls I date until I've been with the girl for several months (example: my parents never knew about Beth, I'll talk about that more later).  This is moving too fast for my comfort level.  I don't know if she thought of it in this way (probably not, see title) but I'm not ready to have her meet them and vice versa.  That paired with the fact that she also told me today that she "misses seeing me" makes me feel like she wants to turn this into something really serious.  Which I have conflicting feelings about (see my previous post).  We have differing ideas of what we want to do after this year in DC.

But then when I told Cassi about how i felt about all this she responded by saying "I'm sorry I'm not trying to move anywhere- I like how we are friends right now."  Which reminds me of Beth because her and my relationship was based entirely on the fact that we both were unsure that we wanted to be in a relationship in the first place.  Which turned into me wanting a relationship because I couldn't deal with the "more than friends/less than a couple" grey area and then her ending it because she didn't want a realationship.  So I don't know if I want a serious relationship but there is a part of me that does.  And that part of me got very nervous when Cassi said that. 

In summary, what I want to do is to have my cake and eat it too.  I see only a few outcomes from this situation: 1) we become a real couple (as in boyfriend and girlfriend), 2) we continue this grey area for a while and we split up with one of us getting hurt (let's be honest it'll most likely be me), 3) we end it now and we try to continue as friends (but that never works, at least not for me).  I have mixed feelings about all of these.

I hate how I over think this shit.  I'm making problems out of esentially nothing. Right?

I'm sure glad no one reads this.

Kind of a Post- Script:
Beth also turned around and ended being in a relationship only a couple months after she and I split.  What a fucking bitch. I fucking hate her.  I hope that won me at least some simpathy.

Why do you love me?

If you have ever been asked the titular question of this post, it's possible that you've had to come up with some lame reason for your significant other.  I have recently been pondering what it means to love someone else, in a romantic sense.  Chances are that the person asking the question does not want to hear the response "because I find you very physically attractive and your facial features are very symmetrical which leads me to believe that you have good, healthy genes and I would like mate with you" or "because you're nice" or "because you're the best I can do" or "because I have self worth issues and the fact that you pay attention to me makes me feel good about myself" or "I don't know, I just do."  These all seem like poor reasons to say you "love" someone to me.  I tried to think of how we (we meaning myself) become involved in relationships that lead to feelings of "love."  The reasons I could think of were: proximity (which with the invention of the Internet is becoming increasingly less necessary), physical attraction, common interests, ability to court one another (appropriate responses in social situation), shared values, and a mutual desire for a relationship.  These all seem kind of shallow, not in a bad sense, it is just a case that these are not really things that I can see as being able to form a deep emotional connection over.  I often feel dumb for begining to form warm feelings for a girl because she's cute and likes the same music/movies as I do or because I see her everyday and we get along well.  So, within the past year or so I have been trying to only be interested in girls with a similar goals for their lives, namely the desire to move to new places for short periods of time.   I guess this falls under the shared values catagory but it has been one that I've overlooked for the most part in the past.  I guess you could say that I'm looking for a traveling companion.  But this also I find to be distracting to my desire to figure out why or if I love someone because I'm focusing on the fact that I could potentially have someone to keep me company on  my journey through life (wow, I'm sorry, that was really fucking cheesy).  Is that all love is?  A person to keep us company?  So we do not become incredibly lonely?

I think I'm only looking at the process of falling in love, I'm really missing the type of love which comes with being with someone for a long time.  Through shared experiences and developing a sense of trust and comfort with that person.  I feel as though these can produce love but how do we get to this point?  I have developed this with many of my friends and yet I have not developed a romantic relationship with them.  Usually based on the preceived change it will bring to our dynamic as friends.  Do I worry about losing the love I share with my friends in exchange for a physical and romantic love?  I think that is a valid concern.

So, I don't think I can combine these two things and therefore I can't find a person whom I "love" in the romantic sense.  Well, I guess I'll just have to stick to empty meaningless sex.  Boohoo me.  (That's a joke, not a very funny one I must add).

Even In Dreams

Lately I've been getting close to being able to lucid dream, the ability to recognize you are in a dream and then do what ever you want in them.  But this hasn't happened through any effort of my own, during my dreams I inexplicably just become aware that I am in a dream and then shortly afterwards I wake up.  I never even get to try any of the "tells" that I'm in a dream: looking at a clock/ reading and seeing gibberish or trying to turn lights on and off and nothing happening etc.  Which might be a good thing because I sleep too much to avoid waking life as it is and if I figure out how to lucid dream I might try and spend all my time trying to do that, which probably isn't healthy. 

Often when I'm awake I also feel like I'm dreaming or in a movie.  This occurs in two ways, when there is really dramatic lighting at night I feel like the situation I was in is too eerie and visually interesting to actually be real.  The other way this happens is when I disassociate.  I can't explain how this happens but the best way I can explain the feeling is like I'm watching everything on a small television set that is on the other side of a very dark room.  I also am unable to connect with anyone and I become very withdrawn.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about when this happens to me.  It can be kind of fun because I feel as though nothing is real and I can see the world for how ridiculous it really is, I can get pretty silly during these times because I just laugh at everything.  Other times, it is just annoying because I'm like, "I don't have time for this right now."  But often times, it can be saddening because I become very isolated within myself.  I get very nihilistic when I disassociate, because nothing feels real so I feel like nothing matters.

Disassociating in combination with the fact that I day dream a lot about having conversations with people I know make it hard for me to distinguish between what happened and what I'm imagining.  So my life becomes in a way a series of dreams.  Which I haven't found to be an entirely bad thing yet.

I don't know what I'm trying to figure out right now... is it which is better living in dreams or feeling like I'm living in a dream?  That makes sense I guess.  I don't know.  I don't have an answer to which I'd prefer.  I think I'll stick with being awake.  Because that's the one I have a little more grasp on.  That's not the best reasoning for making a decision but it's the only one that makes any kind of rational sense.

Listening and Listening

I think I've come to notice that most friends/ people in general, will listen to you complain about your problems to a certain extent.  But not only that they will listen to certain problems for longer or shorter based on their level of interest.  For example, they will listen to someone talk about relationship problems because that's seen as "juicy gossip" or "drama."  The same reason many people tune into reality T.V. shows every week.  The reason for this is because, IT'S INTERESTING.  It's something you can tell someone else later.  You can talk a lot more about someone having trouble with their boyfriend or the fact they're in a fight with their best friend than you can about their insecurities. 

Often if I try to talk to anybody about being depressed or being insecure they will tell me I'm being "emo" or that it isn't a big deal or to just kinda get over it and that I'm being ridiculous.  But in my opinion, these are the problems which effect us more.  They could even be the underlying cause of the more interesting problems.  No one wants to hear about my self worth issues but they are exactly the reason why I have been in almost non-stop relationships since high school.  And since I don't really get to talk about it with anyone, I never get to the root of the problem and the cycle continues.  But what can I expect, my friends aren't therapists and I wouldn't want them to be.  So that's why I have this blog, so I can talk over my problems with myself, in a public space.

Hmm...If I wrote about my drama with other people would my blog get more views?