I recently watched the film Brief Interviews with Hideous Men based on the David Foster Wallace book of the same name. In the movie, there are two waitor/ busboy charactors who discuss what women want from a man. This discussion made me ponder the same theme. I initially considered their argumaent that what women want was at odds with itself (to not need men but also want a passionate man) but then I decided that women could not be put into a catagory and say they all want this or that. But if you were to take a large cross section of women I thought that a good number of them would want exactly what I would want from a woman. That is someone who I get along with, treats me with respect, aknowledges my need for individuality and is caring, blah blah blah...
The point I'm to get to here is that in thinking about the fact that women would want the same thing from a man as I would from a woman made me question what I really wanted. And I realized I don't really know what I want. Making everything I've said thus far in this post a load of bullshit (well, I'm pretty full of shit so that isn't so surprising). I often think I know what I want but it often happens to be (what) at odds with itself. Since I often go through bouts of depression I want a girl who can comfort me and talk me off the ledge, so to speak. But this means I just want/need a therapist. I also want a girl who is independent but I'm incredibly insecure which makes me pretty needy. This also conflicts with my desire for personal space, and my relatively recent desire to not be in a relationship.
I also want a girl who is like me. Which has it's own good and aspects to it. She'll be fun (in my opinion of coarse), and she'll find the world to be fucked up and somewhat meaningless (that sounds like a bad thing but not to me, it's hard to explain). But she'll also come with all the stuff I mentioned above. So, we'll have two depressive, insecure, nihilistic people who want to make a deep emotional connection with one another but are too afraid to commit. I'm setting myself up for failure is what it's starting to sound like.
Another thing that doesn't help my search for a girl who I could potentially "spend my life with" is that I often fall for girls who I know it would be a terrible idea to try and be in a relationship with. My prime example right now is my roommate. She is beautiful. So I don't blame myself for being attracted to her but she and I don't really have much in common and there are aspects about her, were I to be in a relationship with her, I would find unbearable. Needless to say she isn't exactly my type and I'm not hers either. I tell myself this, far more often than I should have to. As I mentioned in my pervious post, I'm currently in an abondance of girls who are interested in me and I would think that this could be enough to distract me from my roommate (she has even encouraged me to and offered to help me hookup with some of these girls) but I still find myself trying to flirt with or just admiring her. I'm pathetic and a little creepy, I know. Another fine example of this is that I often fall for girls who are geographically very far away from me. And based on my previous experience with long distance relationships, that is not a road I want to go down again. I'm currently in a not relationship with a girl I went to college with who still lives back in NJ. She just got out of a relationship and has expressed to me that she doesn't want to get into another relationship and I told her how I felt. But that hasn't stopped us from chating via through Facebook and text message several times a week. And I'm actively trying to not get too close to her by trying to spend time with other girls.
The conclussion I've come to with all this is that the reason I covet what I can't have is because it's the safe thing for me to do. By falling for girls I know I shouldn't or don't want to be with I avoid the chance of getting hurt by a girl whom I think I could actually make a relationship work with. I'm just taking the easy way out. Which I hate doing but it's all I'm comfortable doing at this point in my life because I know, or I feel as though, I won't be in DC forever and if were I to try and take a relationship on the road would create a number of problems that I also don't want to deal with.
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