By "Your Head" of course I mean "my head." I really didn't want this blog to be all about my problems with girls/relationships but I can't help it, it's the thing that bothers me the most.
Me and my first world, middle class, white people problems.
Fuck me. I'm a self involved piece of shit. Someone please tell me to go to Hell.
I'll talk about it anyway because this blog is supposed to help me work through my stupid fucking "problems." So I've been seeing this girl for close to a month now and it is starting to feel like a combination of two relationships I've had in the past and it's starting to freak me out and I know it shouldn't. Especially because to remind me of both of them would be completely contradictory. So for anyone other than myself to understand what I'm rambling about you'll need to know the back story...
So for purposes of this story I will refer to the present girl I'm seeing as CASSI, my high school/college girlfriend as ABBY, and the girl I dated over a year ago as BETH (A,B, and C chronologically). So Cassi reminds me of Abby in how affectionate she is towards me and how fast things appear to be moving. This week I'm staying with my parents in New Jersey for the holidays( I currently live in DC) and Cassi told me she was going to be going to a rave in Philly for New Year's Eve with her roommate. Initially I was excited because I like Philly a lot and I've been wanting to go to a rave so I said I'd go. Then she mentions how she will need to have a place to stay while she's here and that she'd like to ride back to DC with me after coming up with her roommate. This means she would be staying at... my parents' house where she'd meet my parents. I don't usually tell my parents about girls I date until I've been with the girl for several months (example: my parents never knew about Beth, I'll talk about that more later). This is moving too fast for my comfort level. I don't know if she thought of it in this way (probably not, see title) but I'm not ready to have her meet them and vice versa. That paired with the fact that she also told me today that she "misses seeing me" makes me feel like she wants to turn this into something really serious. Which I have conflicting feelings about (see my previous post). We have differing ideas of what we want to do after this year in DC.
But then when I told Cassi about how i felt about all this she responded by saying "I'm sorry I'm not trying to move anywhere- I like how we are friends right now." Which reminds me of Beth because her and my relationship was based entirely on the fact that we both were unsure that we wanted to be in a relationship in the first place. Which turned into me wanting a relationship because I couldn't deal with the "more than friends/less than a couple" grey area and then her ending it because she didn't want a realationship. So I don't know if I want a serious relationship but there is a part of me that does. And that part of me got very nervous when Cassi said that.
In summary, what I want to do is to have my cake and eat it too. I see only a few outcomes from this situation: 1) we become a real couple (as in boyfriend and girlfriend), 2) we continue this grey area for a while and we split up with one of us getting hurt (let's be honest it'll most likely be me), 3) we end it now and we try to continue as friends (but that never works, at least not for me). I have mixed feelings about all of these.
I hate how I over think this shit. I'm making problems out of esentially nothing. Right?
I'm sure glad no one reads this.
Kind of a Post- Script:
Beth also turned around and ended being in a relationship only a couple months after she and I split. What a fucking bitch. I fucking hate her. I hope that won me at least some simpathy.
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